What Keeps Us Safe, Keeps Us Stuck
Anyone with young children has traversed the car seat ordeal. We dance on the razors edge with the patron saint of patience as we try not to loose it. A fussing youngster that usually wants out of the straps and the confines of a structure that is suppose to keep them safe or wrangling with a resistant toddler that refuses to get in.
I experienced this firsthand while entertaining my two-year-old granddaughter so my daughter could run some necessary errands alone. My tactics worked for a while, but eventually, she succumbed to the "I-want-out" monster of resistance and tears. With subzero temperatures, "out" was simply not an option.
How Patterns Form
It reminded me of how there is a funny relationship between safety and freedom. Things that keep us safe can also inhibit our freedom. Our emotional patterns form early on, by 4-6 years old. When we experience relationships as children we learn what actions and behaviors please our caregivers and which ones don't. When our caregivers were happy, we were more likely to feel safe and loved. If they were displeased they may have been more distant, or expressed unpleasant reactions towards us. For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes, these dynamics added layers of complexity to how we respond to relationships and life itself.
Overcoupled Patterns Cause the Same Response
The body, being remarkably energy-efficient, automates much of this through the subconscious. Over time, we develop deeply ingrained "muscle memory" of how to act and react, based on what worked for us in the past. Our sensorium feels something coming and we react out of habituated patterns to protect ourselves. Let's say we are overwhelmed. Our unconscious reactions kick into gear in the same way, weather it's the laundry or your abusive ex. It's kind of like not having to re learn how to walk each morning when we get out of bed, we just do it without thinking. Deeply ingrained patterns fall below our conscious awareness.
How It Plays Out
This plays out in many ways. For example, we may automatically clean our dinner plates even though we were full half way through because we were told to always do so when when we were younger ( what are your automatic behaviors? ). We learned to ignore body signals to gain approval and protection from those that cared for us (or abused us) So we happily stay strapped in our emotional eating carseat of safety without ever thinking about it, because it's just how we always ate from patterns we formed early on. But decades later, we may awaken and find our health in crisis from overeating: high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems. Now we want out of our carseat, but the straps of lifelong patterns are hard to get out of.
Becoming Conscious
Hard, but not impossible! The courage to grow and heal, to become more conscious and aware ( enlightened ) begins with simple steps of noticing what we are actually doing. Noticing what we are feeling. Noticing how we respond to that doing and feeling. In this click and swipe age, it can be even harder to settle in with ourselves and spend time with this most important relationship.
While my granddaughter will eventually outgrow her car seat of safety in favor of a seatbelt, we, too, can outgrow the rigid, unconscious patterns that no longer serve us for ones that do. These deeply ingrained habits—shaped by early experiences—may have once provided comfort or protection, but they can hinder our growth if left unexamined. With this awareness, we can gradually replace outdated patterns with those that honor and nurture our true selves, embracing a freer, more conscious way of living.
Need assistance with your unconscious patterning? Eileen is an alternative healer and Unified Mindfulness mindfulness coach who has completed 20 vision quests enabling her to be a clear and effective conduit for your personal growth. Contact Eileen eileen@relaxandexpand.com
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